Offbeat

Shameless Dating

February 19, 2017

Become a Chamelion, so Your Date Will like ….you

Trust your gut. The best advice for most situations including dating. You think your lady likes the “bad Boy” do you? But your like Don, a nice guy. You talk to your mom on the phone, you still wash your dad’s car, and you still talk a lot about your parents while you are on a date even though you are 35. Change your image. You have a tip, from your one and only friend that the woman you are about to take out likes bad boys. First I tell Don, set a time to pick up your date, lets say 8 PM. Do not arrive at her house till 9:15.

Do not call her, and sound like a wounded puppy apologizing for being held up. Instead, you get to her place and honk the horn, no lay on the horn! When she comes out make sure your car is filled with cigar smoke. Don’t dare open that door for her. Your hand is wrapped in what appears to be bloody gauze. Get some fake blood if you must at a novelty shop. She is pissed, and starts to yell at you about your tardiness. You simply show her your hand in the bloody gauze, you than smile at her with a tooth she will see that you have blacked out to give you that “hockey player” mouth look.

You tell her sorry that you got held up, not late but “held up.” You defended yourself and punched him in the jaw until 10 cops had to pull you off. You wrapped the hand yourself, cause you did not want to be any later than you are already. Proceed with this crap that you got busted earlier in the week for having cock-fights in your back yard, and all you wanted was a quiet evening, with a beautiful woman. If you get past this point don’t talk about your parents. Talk to her about your parole officer, or your suspended license, or your brother in the “Pen.” If she sticks with you this long, yea she likes the bad boy. Before you go anywhere else let her know you are being monitored. Earlier you were smart and purchased a velcro ankle weight black in appearence. You are the “bad boy.”

A female friend let me know how she dumped someone and it totally changed her nice gal image. She had a history of being nice, and is sick of this image, so she consulted with this writer prior to her date. First she had her y date come in to a pig-penof her home and told him that “I” do not believe in cleaning. Be sure to have a real or fake converse6tion with your ex-boyfriend on the phone in front of your date for at least fifteen minites. (This really happened to this writer) Make sure that you keep looking at your watch while your date is on the phone. She won’t care, because you will her her say “All you men are pigs.” The guy on the phone who has mistreated her has a better chance of getting together with her than you ever do. On a very serious note, women who have been mistreated in relationships will continue to seek out these type of relationships unconsciously. If you are a “nice guy” you will be doomed. The knight in shining amour who will save the distressed damsel will be tested more than once. This writer went out with someone who deliberately parked her car with this writer in it in a fire zone while drunk with policeman watching. For reasons unknown, this lady could not get arrested on her best night. Now you have been given a couple of scenarios for dating. You may be stuck to being yourself. Good luck with that, and seriously do not treat your date like crap.

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