How Do I Start Dating Again at 40?

February 9, 2017

I awaken to another day, a day without him lying next to me. I washed all the linen and my bed spread, and yet I still smell his smells on the pillows really everywhere I turn in this apartment we shared for over ten year. The apartment we were supposed to put on the market together, when we applied for Early Retirement from our companies. Then we were going house hunting in the suburbs for a small cottage style house, where I could start my garden, and it would have been perfect for just the two of us. I just saw myself growing old with no one else but him, “Chad”.

We both had been with our companies for over 20 years and we were at top levels and there was no place else to go. We reached our goal and our jobs would have been more than willing to buy us out and offer us a generous compensation package as well. These were our plans and ideas that we talked about for almost a year.

Someone, please anyone, tell me how do you throw all that planning, hopes, ambitions away in just one conversation and walk out to never return. What was so hard for me to understand is how can you love someone one day and like a damn faucet, turn it off the next day.

He never once gave me any hint or clue this was even coming. When he told me it was over, he stated “I was going to be a coward and leave you a Dear John letter, but I feel you deserve better than that”. (You damn right I did.) When he told me that there was no one else and that he just did not love me anymore and could not see himself spending his last years with me. His eyes were so cold and unfeeling. I tried very hard to see if could see any sign of remorse or regret, but I just didn’t. It was like I was having this conversation with a total stranger. Not my husband of seventeen years.

I was married at the very young age of seventeen to my first husband Jake, my high school sweetheart. We were just too young and that marriage only lasted three years. After I signed my divorce papers, I met Chad six months later. We were only good friends; in fact he was my best friend, for the first year of our relationship. I did not see him in a romantic way because he was a total opposite of me. Than one night things did turn intimate between us after I was stood up on a date and my self esteem was at rock bottom. Through his conformant, things turned intimate and I was more afraid of losing our friendship because by this time he was my best friend. That night I reached an orgasm for the first time in my life. By this time he knew me so well that the night turned out to be the closest and intimate night I had ever had in my life.

Now another day of just going through the motions. I am a Senior Editor at Nobel House Publishing. I reached my goal, as far as my career is concerned. I would eligible for Early Retirement in two more years and all I wanted out of life was to sit in my rocking chair on my porch and grow old with my husband. I was forty and he was forty six. He was eligible after this year. He was Chief and Captain of Brinks Money Transportation. They were pretty much going to force him out at the end of the year, but not without a generous retirement package. We both started at the bottom and reached the top within one year of each other. We had no children because Chad did not want any. OH!!! Why did I listen to him? I would at least have my children to fall back on.

Finally, I left for work. It was a pretty uneventful day and I could not wait for 5 p.m. to hurry up and arrive. I have never been a clock watcher, but for some reason lately, I have turned into one.

When I entered my apartment that night, I did what I usually do; I turned on my T.V. set and turned to CNN News. To my stunning surprise and total amazement, there on the set was Chad in handcuffs. I had no idea what could possibly be going on. So I turned up the volume. Apparently Chad was caught trying to steal one of their trucks loaded down with money and apparently had his gun to his partner head to compel him to go along. He had threatened suicide, but was finally talked out of it and now he was in custody.

Could this possibly be the reason why Chad had to leave? Maybe it was for my sake so that I would not be involved.

Thank you Chad, for leaving me out of this one, and I love you. Don’t worry, I am still here for you. You need me now more than ever. Then I grabbed my coat, and ran out the door, whispering to myself, what precinct was that?

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